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Category Archives: Kids: School Age

VIDEO: A day in the life of a stay-at-home mom

Here’s a video glimpse inside our daily life — complete with a 4 a.m. wakeup call, a frog in the house, crying (mostly from the kids), fighting and cuddles. I did miss the part when Adriano spilled his entire glass of milk on me, but managed to fit a few tips and recipes in there.

If you’re a mom of little ones you know the phrase “enjoy this time, it goes so fast” extremely well. I happen to disagree with it — it seems like my kids should be 25 by now! — but because so many people say it I wanted to make a video of a typical day for us. I want to remember how crazy staying home with three kids under the age of five actually is.

As I edited the video, I wondered if parents of older kids say this because they tend to remember the highlights, the best moments. For example, will I remember sweetly cuddling all three kids at the same time while watching a movie, or will I remember how exhausted I was and how I was counting every single minute until they went to bed? My game plan is to love and live in the present, document it as best I can and look forward to what the future has in store.

At first I thought I would do a video just for future me, but then as I got going I decided I would post it even though the quality is terrible and my videography skills are the worst. I would encourage you to do your own video too! It will be so fun to watch when the kids are grown and you think you long for “the good ol’ days.”

I’m glad I shot it on this day too, because by the time Marcello got back from his business trip I was a frazzled mess laying on the couch catching a cold. Nothing like your spouse leaving for a few days to make you see all the little things they do. I told him I’ll never leave him, I can’t handle these kiddos by myself!

Ok, here’s the video. I’m nervous to show you! It’s terrible quality and now I think I need a makeover, but it’s still accurate.

Are you speaking your family’s love language?

What does your spouse do that fills your heart to the brim? What do you do that makes your child’s eyes light up big and bright? We each receive love differently, so if we speak each other’s language we’ll get farther faster.

Marcello and I were introduced to Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” as part of our premarital counseling. We will be married 10 years this summer and this concept has proved invaluable to our marriage, and as we are now finding, also in our parenting.

I am such a believer in loving people the way they receive love that I end up talking about it in everyday conversation to friends, other moms during small talk, even the kids’ swim teacher. I’m always surprised by how many people have never heard of it.

I planned to do a blog post about it in honor of Valentine’s Day and, ironically, I don’t think there’s ever been a better time for my family to revisit Gary’s studies. The past few weeks I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety and my kids are doing their best to trample on any live nerves I have left. One will not stop talking ever. One has an extra-strong whining game. And one is just into everything and breaking my back.

Last year I wrote a post about the week I changed the way I parent. I would say that all of those things still work for us, the biggest take away being sticking to our guns. In other words, no bajillion warnings or not following through. I need to say what I mean and do what I say. Now that the boys are getting older, the love languages build on those foundations.

Now Luca is almost six and Adriano is four and a half. Gary, who also wrote “The Five Love Languages of Children,” says this about the age when a predominate love language begins to emerge. Of course every child needs love from each of these categories, but one will overflow their love tank compared to the others.

Three things will last forever — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:13

These are the five categories:

Words of affirmation

“This language uses words to affirm other people.” Encouraging, kind words build up this person. They respond to compliments, appreciation and encouraging words.

Some sample ideas:

  • “You look so handsome today.”
  • “I truly appreciate you taking the time to make this delicious dinner.”
  • “You’re so good at your job. It’s not easy to manage all this.”

Acts of service

“For these people, actions speak louder than words.” Babble won’t get you far with these folks, but doing something for them makes their heart swell.

Some sample ideas:

  • Do a chore he or she typically does.
  • Make a special dinner of his or her favorite food.
  • Think of something they do every day and have it ready for them before they can do it.

Receiving gifts

“For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.” The gift doesn’t have to be extravagant or fancy, but thoughtful and meaningful. The sentiment here is “You thought of me!”

Some sample ideas:

  • Pick wild flowers to give or find a heart-shaped rock.
  • Make something with your hands: paint, whittle, sculpt, draw …
  • Buy a small souvenir to bring back, even if just from the next town over.

Quality time

“This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.” Turn off the TV, put down the phone and get rid of distractions. These people are all about spending time together with quality conversation.

Some sample ideas:

  • Sit on the couch with the TV off and talk about the day.
  • Go for a walk and chat together.
  • Go out to eat just the two of you.

Physical touch

“To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.” These people crave physical contact — even something as simple as a pat on the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek or tousling their hair. Kids even fulfill this need by wrestling! (Gary notes that older kids also still need physical touch, and that boys and girls should be treated the same in this regard. In other words, don’t withhold contact from boys and give more to girls because of their gender.)

Some sample ideas:

  • Sit on the couch close together watching a movie.
  • Give big hugs and kiss when arriving or leaving.
  • Hold hands or offer your spouse a back rub.

I should note also that if used in the opposite way, love languages can be damaging. For example, hurtful things said a words of affirmation person will cut deep. Slapping a physical touch person will wound their heart.

As I mentioned before, Marcello and I are very conscious of one another’s love languages. Mine is quality time — probably the most annoying of all the languages, of course. I value spending time together and talking. When he’s not able to give me this time, I tend to withdrawal, become sarcastic and cold. Sounds like a dream, right? So basically I’m mad at him for not spending time with me, but I’m acting like a jerk. So why would he want to spend time with me exactly? I know. I even annoy myself.

Marcello’s love language is acts of service. One time I said, “So let me get this straight. If I do the laundry you feel loved?” To which he answered yes. And I still don’t get it, but I’m grateful I know because I would never have come up with this correlation on my own. Your shirts are washed, feel the love.

In fact, he is always doing thoughtful things for me. Sometimes makes coffee and sets out a mug and spoon for me. Or picks cuts a rose and puts it on my desk. Or even when he gets the oil changed in my car, he’s showing me he loves me. Because that’s his love language. As a quality time gal, I think all these things are very sweet, but I’d still rather have a chat on couch or go for a walk together. You see what I mean?

You might be speaking to your spouse in your love language, not his, and be missing an opportunity. Gary says most people don’t marry someone of the same love language, so chances are you will have to learn how to best love your spouse. And just in case you’re curious, love languages tend to stay the same for a lifetime.

Now we are trying to apply these same principles to our kids so they feel unconditionally loved, which also coincides with behavior improvements. It’s very obvious that Luca is just as obnoxious as I am about his quality time. He needs engagement, eye contact, conversation. Otherwise, he says “you don’t care” and sulks off (not unlike myself). And if that is not effective, he just keeps talking and asking questions, determined to get the time together. When Marcello and I invest even a solid 20 minutes there is a clear change in his attitude. His love tank is filled up!

I used to think Adriano was physical touch, but now I realize that he was just very young and needed all of the love languages equally. He still gets lots of physical touch from us, but what really makes his heart sing is words of affirmation. Giving praise to that boy brings a sweet, joy-filled smile across his face as he looks humbly downward, soaking it all in. When this need is not met, let the whining begin.

The book doesn’t go into much detail about having a secondary love language, but I have noticed that Luca has a dominant (quality time) and another that comes underneath that (physical touch). If I have only 15 minutes to spend with him, I am trying to engage in conversation with direct eye contact and make sure to rub his shoulder or mess with his hair. It’s too soon to tell with Adriano, at four, what his secondary language will be. And Clara just needs all of them, all the time, all day long.

If you’d like to learn what your love languages are, you can take Gary Chapman’s quiz here.

The love languages have been indispensable to my marriage and I’m eager to continue seeing how they apply to my children. Because I have to be honest, in these early years I do not see much fruit from my labor, but I know it is not in vain. I’m laying a foundation for these kids and it’s hard work!

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” — 1 Corinthians 15:58

How about you? Have you ever heard of the five love languages? What is your love language or your spouse’s? Do your kids show signs of one of these yet?

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Merry Christmas 2016

 Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. — Timothy 1:15-17