Kids, Mom diary

Oh, morning sickness

pregnant with morning sickness

When you take that test and it’s positive after countless negatives, it’s thrilling! There’s jumping up and down and hugging and celebrating. And then the morning sickness sets in and changes the mood a little. Or in my case this time, a lot.

A few weeks ago Marcello and I took the boys to the park to burn off some of their boundless energy. For me, morning sickness was in full force, but I couldn’t stand to think of being in the house a minute longer. I sat on the bench and watched Marcello chase after the boys.

On the bench next to me, a mom put sunblock on her son. I asked her how old he was. She didn’t respond. I guessed she didn’t hear me. Then when he started picking up rocks, I smiled at him. She ignored me, took his hand and pulled him away. That was pretty harsh, I thought. But my stomach was so upset I didn’t have the energy to think about it too much.

Later, I told Marcello about the mom ignoring me. He said she probably thought I was on something or hungover from the night before! “You look like you could throw up at any minute,” he said, laughing. “Seriously miserable.”

That made me laugh, but there’s not much else about morning sickness I find funny during this pregnancy.

This is my third pregnancy, and by far the most intense. My first two pregnancies were similar, though I was slightly more nauseated with the second. By week eight, I had low-grade nausea most of the day until my second trimester.

But this time, I started getting waves of nausea at three and a half weeks! By week six, I was nauseated all day and all night, making it hard to function (hence the infrequent blog posts). In the early days I didn’t want to move or talk or eat. Each bite of food was (and sometimes is still) a struggle to keep down. I felt the best laying completely still in my bed, which isn’t a frequent possibility while staying home with a two and three year old. I cried in the evenings. I felt worse by the day and it affected me in unexpected ways.

One Sunday afternoon I panicked. I knew Marcello was going to work in the morning and I didn’t know how I would make it through the day by myself with the boys. I was considering putting them in daycare I was so sick. I just couldn’t handle day-to-day tasks, so I decided to call doctor’s office to ask about medication. My midwife put me on Zofran, which helped enormously, but didn’t make it go away. I still got sick sometimes and the nausea never left, but it was much more manageable.

Even with the medication, I felt depressed and apathetic. Feeling sick ’round the clock makes it hard to see the small everyday beauties and enjoy funny little moments. It’s inescapable and relentless. Days dragged on forever and felt as empty as my rebellious stomach. It’s not my nature to feel this way. I don’t have a tendency to feel blue, and my fall was long and hard.

Can I be very honest with you? I would have hoped my reaction would have been: I would walk to the ends of the Earth for my little child. I already love you completely.

Instead, in the throws of it, I was hardly thinking about my little child at all. I focused on what I might eat without gagging, what I could make for the boys to eat without gagging, how many hours until they they went to bed, and how many days away I was from my second trimester — which would surely hold some relief.

Guilt wove its way into all of these other feelings as well. Guilt for letting morning sickness steal my excitement of a new baby. Guilt for losing my temper with the boys, who don’t understand I’m sick. Guilt for making Marcello do most everything. Guilt for just not being a very fun person to be around.

One particular evening I was able to eat a little dinner, and I was feeling slightly better than usual. I was still perched on my usual spot on the couch, but was laughing and giving Marcello a hard time. “There you are,” he said. “I lost you for a little while.” It showed me what a drastic personality change I’ve had over the past few months.

I know as the nausea wears off the old me will come back. And even with these unwelcome feelings, a grateful heart lies underneath it all. It gets buried some days, but I’m learning to be joyful in all circumstances and am hopeful I’ll be stronger and more compassionate because of this.

I might not be shouting from the rooftops, but I am ever thankful to God for never leaving my side and giving us this new life. I have cysts on my ovaries (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and have difficulties getting pregnant, believe it or not. Each of our children are miracles to me.

Did you have morning sickness? Did it knock the wind out of you?

8 thoughts on “Oh, morning sickness

  1. Oh man do I feel your pain. We adopted a sweet baby boy then 3 weeks later found out I was pregnant. I have never had a strong desire to be pregnant but both my husband and I were passionate about adopting. We were not trying to get pregnant but there we were with our first baby and not even a clue what we were doing and then found out another one would be along in 8 months. I was so so sick too. I would wake up to do those every two hour feedings and just want to cry everytime my son cried. I felt like the worst mom ever. I look back at pictures of my son and barely remember those moments because I was so sick. But the Lord is gracious to use even our brokenness and weakness. None of it is in vain. Morning sickness finally passed at 6 mo for me. Taking Vitamin B was a life changer for me. Many women say Unisom does the same too. My midwife told me to take both. Hang in there.

  2. Bless your heart. I can’t imagine how intense that must have been! Thank you so much for your encouraging words and sharing your experience. It makes my day.

  3. Morning sickness is so hard! I had it for the first 4 months of all of my pregnancies. You can think of the end result, or find the blessed moments in each day, but mostly it’s just hard! I hope that it gets better for you soon!

  4. It is hard! And whew, four months is a long time. I’m feeling much better now. Thank you so much for your encouragement :)

  5. My experience with morning sickness was very similar. Finally it started to fade around 16 weeks. It seems daunting to go through that a second time. Especially when you’re caring for a little one! Hang in there!

  6. I love that you posted this, especially about the depression that can come with long term “morning” sickness. Five and a half months with my first. Seven months with my second, including outpatient IV fluids three times at the local hospital for dehydration. I fought every. single. hour. to make it through the days of pregnancy (capped by 4 day prodromal back labors. I’m totally cursed!). And yet… I love my girls fiercely. I walked through heck and back to bring them into this world, and I think that bonded me to them at an incredibly deep level. Would I do it another time? Uh, NO! Are you CRAZY???? But I don’t regret a minute of it for bringing me the two of the three very best parts of my life (my hubby being number 3!). I wish other women experiencing HG (the medical term for such horrible sickness, like Princess Kate) had a support group of angels to clean, cook, and help with the other kids. I WISH I would have let more people in that offered. It’s my only real regret.

  7. Oh Pippin, I feel your pain. I was right there with you 9 months of HG Hell is what I am currently getting over. I lost 60 pounds while pregnant, was sent to the ER 11 times by my Doctor. Stayed in the hospital 14 different times and had over 600 liters of fluids while pregnant. My HG was so bad they offered to terminate my pregnancy for fear that I would not survive the pregnancy. Every single moment of my of my pregnancy was just surviving that second to make it to the next. i would lay on the floor crying in my own vomit wondering how I was going to make it, and how could a baby possibly survive this attack on my body and when she finally got here would I even want lover her. I had countless people tell me every tip under the sun on how to get morning sickness to go away.. I never had help I got had a family to keep going and a job to do. It was not just morning sickness it was a life changer. I swore if I made it through this I would be changed and I am.. do I want to do it again, HELL YES I look into her eyes and I see pure innocent and the heart of a lion, She survived when not a single person thought she would..

  8. Wow, Montanamom, that is an incredible story. You have the strength of a warrior, no doubt. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, though your spirit is inspiring and unbreakable. God has clearly blessed that little girl of yours to have a mama like you. xo

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